Monday, August 17, 2015
How to Control Your Own Children Using Basketball Defenses
I'm going to explain this whole kid situation the best I know how which is using sports metaphors and basketball lingo. Even though I'm a hoops guy, I think anyone that has ever played or enjoys watching sports can understand this. These are things other people fail to tell you before you have kids so I'm trying to make it easier for parents out there as they consider having 1, or even 1 more.
Open Jumpers and Fast Breaks - 0 Children aka 0 vs. 2
Full Court Press and Corner Trapping - 1 Child aka 1 vs. 2
When both parents are forced to play a little D, you can prevent this one child from doing anything bad or life threatening. You are exerting little defensive effort like you are the parental version of James Harden. Even when things get hectic, you always have help D. You can trap them in the corner when they start crawling or walking and they will never get to break anything or mess up your house. This child will most likely be the most well behaved and smartest because they will get one parent's full attention, if not both. Things are good.
Man to Man Defense - 2 Children aka 2 vs. 2
If one parent has to leave for any extended amount of time, you have to drop back into a 1-2 zone. You might be able to break up a few passes, and block a few shots, but most likely, you are getting scored on often and are committing crazy fouls just to stop the game and catch your breath. Don't be against trash talk and hoping to provoke one of your children into a temper tantrum so you can give them a Technical Foul and send them to their room or the time out chair. It's not pretty, but at least you can catch your breath and go back to a relaxed man to man.
Zone Defense - 3 Children aka 3 vs. 2
Your head needs to be on a swivel constantly as you run the baseline or cover the wings or top of the key. No matter how you set up the zone, you are always leaving a man open and you are screwed if you lose track of the scorer or hot shooter. If they make the right pass, you are pretty much giving up a bucket 70% of the time.
The scorer is usually the youngest child because they are way too good at dropping behind the zone or to the far corner and out of your peripheral vision. They have quickly learned how to beat the zone in their short career by using just a few quick pump fakes and go to moves. They have never experienced a true man to man or trap for more than a few moments at a time, so getting open is like Child's Play (yes, I said it, and this cliche was finally used properly).
Crazy Defense - 4+ Kids aka 4+ vs. 2
There isn't even a defensive analogy for this situation. If you have more than three kids, you are just crazy. Waive the white towel now because you are going to get buried by the blitz on the first play of the game. Fast break dunks on your head all day. You will feel like this guy after D. Rose just hit a ridiculous game winner in OT.
I think that about wraps it up but if you can think of any other scenarios or relevant defenses that I missed, let me know in the comments.